Falling vs. Failing: Quitters Need Not Apply

As I was checking on some technical issues with my blog, I was struck by today's Bible verse on the side column.  Hebrews 12:11 was a LOUD reminder that God never promised this would be easy, but the rewards will be HUGE!  

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

The other night on The Biggest Loser, Jillian Michaels, the trainer, was yelling at someone about something when she screamed, "transformation happens now!" 

Those words nearly knocked me off my chair!  I haven't been able to get over what that means to me.

Transformation isn't the end result, but the process!  It's not working hard and making changes and then a magical number on the scale gives me a sash that says, "Transformation Complete--You have been transformed!"  Each time I overcome another temptation or eliminate something bad from my life, I am being transformed!  I move one step closer to God and being the woman I was created to be!

I have had it in my head this whole time that I wasn't going to be transformed until every obstacle was removed and each battle was won and I stood flawless and beautiful at 125 pounds (I seriously can't even comprehend that, but that's another story)!  We live in a fallen world where there is an enemy that seeks to steal, kill and destroy; there will ALWAYS be obstacles and there is a war waging for me to fail, in the spiritual AND physical world.

I was shocked to realize not everyone that meets me likes me (crazy, eh?).  Not everyone wants others to succeed.  Some people want me to fail.  That used to scare me and easily discourage me.  Truth be told, that is why I've taken a little break here.  I was having a difficult time writing and being honest here, knowing that there were people reading it who not only didn't like what I had to say, but also wanted me to fail.  I've sorted lots of things out and God has shown me that He has not given up on me and though I may slip and fall or lose sight, He will not allow me to fail at what He has called me to do!  He will protect me from those who would like to see nothing more than me give up and throw in the towel with this.

His word says so, "Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men.

      I will rescue you from their cruel hands." (Jer 15:21)

Disconnected

I'm typing this with the hope that the limited internet connection I have for the moment will last until I get this posted.

I'm without an established connection for the time being.  I'm not sure when I'll be re-established either.  It seems appropriate given the way I've been feeling lately.  

Disconnected.

The Lord has been working on me the last few days, showing me that I'm carrying the big burden of trying to fix myself, along with the weight of pretending.  Big and heavy stuff for me to allow Him speak the truth to my heart over.  I look forward to sharing the progress of that with you--hopefully sooner than later.  

It's amazing what can be accomplished with no internet connection and a sick child vegging out in front of Veggie Tales.  I was just sharing with my mom that I think I've read more of the Bible in the last few days than I have in months.  Of course that was AFTER I deep cleaned my house and any other thing I could find to do besides being still....

Food Journal

I took a second day off from exercise today.  I totally overdid it last week and could hardly move yesterday and needed to rest today.  I felt somewhat better physically but was an utter mess emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  More on this later.  

9:00 a.m.

2 friendship muffins

1 c. skim milk

1:00 p.m.

1 c. Campbell chili

1 apple

1 pce whole wheat bread w/slice of mozz cheese

3:00 p.m.

1/2 c. yogurt

5:30 p.m.

1 small porkchop (baked)

1/2 c. mashed potatoes

1 c. steamed baby carrots

1 apple

8:45 p.m.

pumpkin bar w/ lite whipped topping

cup of coffee

Food Journal Fail & Slop

I am crabby and bitchy (sorry, but it's true) as all get out.  So I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut today.  If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, right?

I did a 24 SET class this morning since Justin had stuff he had to take care of, so we couldn't do our usual Saturday workout together.  Had breakfast when I got home.

10:30 a.m.

4 silver dollar sized pumpkin & oat pancakes

3 turkey sausage

1/2 c. grapes

12:30 p.m.

1 lite n fit yogurt

1 apple

1 muffin

3:00 p.m. (I'm trying to go by memory here because I didn't get back on the computer at all yesterday afternoon until this evening)

tuna sandwich (1 can tuna w/ plain nonfat yogurt, mozz cheese, 2 slices whole wheat bread)

wheat thin crackers

5:30 p.m. @ Justin's grandma's for trick or treating stop

1 reese's pb cup

1 mini milky way

6:30 p.m.

2 bowls of award winning Campbell chili w/shredded cheddar cheese on top

1 pb sandwich (who woulda thought dipping your pb sandwich in chili was so heavenly?  Campbell family, how do you not each weigh 800 pounds???)

4 ritz crackers

throughout the evening:

3 beers

10:00 p.m.

1/2 pce of apple butter pumpkin pie (make that 900 pounds!  It was SO good, but I couldn't even finish it.  Thank you, God, for some sense of sweet overload sensor. )

I don't know if it was because I was tired or crabby earlier in the day or because I had a couple drinks, but I wanted junk food on our way home.  I am glad we don't go out anymore.  Back in our drinking days, that was a regular thing--hitting up Perkins or whatever the heck was open and filling our face.  Blah.  I don't miss that.  All that to confess:

11something

we shared a frozen pepperoni pizza and a diet pepsi (20 oz, not 2 liter. not that it matters)

I felt like a shitty rebel and had a food hangover this morning that even the hottest shower couldn't wash off.  Trying to find the bright spot, I can say that I am glad it made me feel like crap so I won't do it again for a long time.  Or until Thanksgiving. ha!

I fasted this morning because I was feeling like a hot mess.  But then we screwed it right back up by having chinese for lunch.  Seriously?  Yes.  

12:30 p.m.

1 egg roll

serving of broccoli n beef

serving of general tso's chicken (probably the worst thing you can get at a chinese restaurant)

rice

1 fortune cookie

diet coke

 

1:30 p.m.

1 reese's pb cup

Put me in detox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mads and I napped this afternoon (not shocking since my body was working overtime to process all the garbage).  It's 6:00 p.m. and I should figure out something for dinner for us.  Laxatives? Joking.  

I worked hard this week on exercise planning for some room to let loose this weekend.  Not frozen pizza at 11:00 on a saturday night loose, but whatevs.  We fall and land on our face sometimes and get back up.  Normally this would send me right to the quitting bench.  But it's getting back up and starting over that will be different this time.  Some green tea and lite vegetable soup would be nice for my body right now.  Also some prayer and refocusing on why I'm even doing this would be good.  Seriously, that's what I'm needing most.

What are some things that you do when you've had a mega fail like this?  

Food Journal

We slept in BIG time today.  I needed it.

Mads was asking for pancakes this morning, so I thought we'd whip up some hearty and healthy pumpkin & oat pancakes.  I adjusted a basic pumpkin pancake recipe I found (surprise, huh?) and took a tip from my friend Laura to use pumpkin pie spice instead of the mix of whatever the heck the recipe called for (too many to list).  I loved them.  Maddie said they were "too brown."  However, she still ate some.

10:30 a.m.

6 silver dollar sized pumpkin pancakes w/sugar free maple syrup

c of lemon & ginseng green tea

handful of grapes

2:30 p.m. 

1.5 c. leftover potato soup

1.5 biscuits

I lied.  We are making muffins with the Amish Friendship bread starter that I have.  I was hoping to get rid of them all, but had one left and now more to give away AGAIN.  I can't waste anything.  So, after we scooped out the new starters, I used whole wheat flour and oats instead of white flour.  Cut the sugar and oil in half and put 4 dark chocolate chips in each for yumminess!  I haven't eaten any...yet!

3:30 p.m.

1 muffin

7:00 p.m.

grilled chicken plate @ Mr. Gyro (greek salad w/grilled chicken & pita; Mads ate half of my grilled chicken)

humus & pita (this is THE BEST humus I have ever had in my entire life--I'm not exaggerating!)

7:30 p.m.

1 muffin

Food Journal

Hurrying to start this as we are heading out the door for aqua aerobics!

8:00 a.m.

1 pkt weight control oatmeal

1 apple

c of lemon & ginseng green tea

1:00 p.m.

1 c. steamed broccoli florets

2 al fresca soft tacos from taco bell (they messed up our order yesterday and gave us too many, so we brought them home)

3:00 p.m.

1 pumpkin bar w spoon of lite whipped topping

5:30 p.m.

1 c. steamed broccoli florets

1.5 c. baked potato soup (after having this at Gwyn's the other day, I HAD to make it for my family!  I did sneak in 1.5 c. squash puree and if I had been thinking I would've added a cup of white bean puree for protein.  Next time for sure.)

2 Paula Deen biscuits (mother in law brought a mix back from their vacation in Georgia)

7:30 p.m.

sat down w/a lite n fit yogurt and 1/4 c raw almonds and ended up sharing it w/Maddie, so maybe 1/2 a yogurt.

8 multi-grain crackers (like generic Wheat Thins) 2 pces. mozz cheese

From a diet devotional I get in my email, "God, save me from an appetite seldom satisfied!"  Seriously!  What the hell is the matter with me sometimes?

Food Journal

7:30 a.m.

2 eggs scrambled & served on

3 tomato slices

1 pce whole wheat toast w/smart balance spread

1/2 c grapes

9:30 a.m.

cup of coffee

1 cookie

11:45 a.m.

3 al fresca soft tacos from Taco Bell

water

1:30 p.m.

1 cookie

3:30 p.m.

1 hard boiled egg

6:00 p.m.

I made a salad w/1 c. chopped chicken breast, 1 c. celery, 1 c. grapes, 1 apple chopped, 2 c broccoli florets, 1 c. chopped walnuts, 1 c. nonfat plain yogurt, 2 tbsp miracle whip lite, few dashes of garlic & onion powder & salt & pepper.

So I ate: 1.5 c of salad on a big plate of fresh spinach leaves

2 cookies (they are gone! Yes! and I am taking a baking break!)

7:45 p.m.

3 pcs chocolate @ mom2mom group (allegedly it was national chocolate day!)

1 rice krispy bar

9:30 p.m.

6 cucumber slices

6 multi-grain tortilla chips

(this snacking the last week or so has been a bit CRAZY!  If I know I am going to want an evening snack, I need to plan for it--what, how much, and probably when)